How to cook food.



  • Whatever doesn’t have mould on in the fridge or looks reasonably safe anyway.


  1. Stare at food.
  2. Cry because you’re hungry.
  3. Prod food with a wooden spoon.
  4. Switch on oven.
  5. Realise that this whole thing was a terrible idea because you can’t even make toast properly.
  6. Think about life choices.
  7. Forget the pan and just throw the food onto the burning stove still in its wrapping.
  8. Watch fire in amusement.
  9. Push rich relative into fire.
  10. Watch person burn in amusement.
  11. Use the money you inherit to order a pizza. If you can’t wait that long just eat the relative. If Hannibal Lecter can do it then so can you.
  12. Eat pizza and/or dead relative.
  13. Run before the police figure out it was you but lets be honest if you can’t even make a simple meal then you have no chance.
  14. Relocate to Canada to perv on coyotes and rethink every decision you’ve made with a look of horror on your face.
  15. Repeat.

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